apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
