I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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