I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
