you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
