So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
