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I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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