PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
