How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Randomize
