I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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