Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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