I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
