Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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