Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
