Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You dont lie about slip and slides
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
