Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
