____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
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