the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize