im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize