I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
