I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
