so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize