Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
