Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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