Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
