conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
