Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
