Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
