Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
