I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
