Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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