I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
