Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize