I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize