i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
