I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
