I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
