and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
