So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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