AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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