Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
