Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So squirting runs in the family.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
