somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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