mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
