I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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