please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
