i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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