i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
