I can text with my tongue
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize