I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
