That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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