it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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