I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
