If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
