More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
