Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
