I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
