Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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