sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize