If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
