Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
