So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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