Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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