That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just invented taco cereal.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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