Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
