meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
