my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
