to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
