Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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