i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
