this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
