I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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