I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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